Grieving the loss of a loved one is not a linear experience, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every family. At Hope, we want to provide families with various resources to help the healing process and empower them to find what works best for their unique situation.
That’s why Annie Gunning, Hope’s Certified Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor, met with our community to shed some light on how different age and developmental groups process loss and to provide meaningful remembrance activities that can bring comfort and form a sense of connection among family members as they grieve.
What is your role as Hope’s on-staff Child Life Specialist?
In my role as the Child Life Specialist at Hope for HIE, my main objective is to help children and families navigate medicalized life. I focus on empowering and supporting both children and their caregivers, fostering the ability to advocate for their needs while simultaneously reducing stress, pain, and anxiety. This often looks like support for patients and their families facing surgeries, tests, procedures, diagnoses, and hospitalizations by offering preparation, creating personalized coping plans, providing education, fostering creative expression, and incorporating medical play.
It’s also important to note – if you’re looking to seek the services of a Child Life Specialist in a hospital setting, check with the hospital’s healthcare team! You can reach out to the child life department, pediatric unit, or patient services to inquire about the availability and services provided by a Child Life Specialist, or you can see if your hospital has information on its website regarding the roles and contact details of its dedicated CCLS.
You are also a certified grief counselor. What does this support look like?
As a certified grief counselor, I offer support and guidance by providing helpful resources, coping strategies, and suggestions for dealing with grief and end-of-life situations. I am trained to help individuals and families navigate the healing process with compassion and understanding.
You can seek this support the same way you would for my child life services — by filling out the intake form at HIE.Support!
Can you share some of the common grief responses you see in children and explain how these responses vary based on their developmental stages?
Grieving the loss of a loved one is a personal journey, and when it involves children, the process can be even more complex. As a certified child life specialist and grief counselor, I’ve worked extensively with grieving families and children, helping them navigate their unique paths through grief. In my experience, there are common grief responses in children across different developmental stages, as well as practical ways to support them.
Infants and Toddlers (0-3 Years)
Common responses: At this stage, children don’t understand death, but they notice changes around them and react to those changes. Since they can’t express their feelings with words, their grief often shows up in their behavior. You might see increased irritability, clinginess, changes in sleep patterns or eating habits, crying, anxiety, repeated questions, temper tantrums, and difficulty soothing themselves.
How to help:
Consistent routine: Maintain a predictable schedule to provide a sense of security.
Short, honest info about the death: Offer simple explanations to help them understand the changes.
Provide play opportunities: Play is a crucial outlet for their emotions and stress.
Set limits but be flexible when needed: Balance discipline with understanding their emotional state.
Give appropriate choices to offer control: Allow them to make small decisions to foster a sense of control.
Provide a lot of physical and emotional connections: Offer plenty of hugs, cuddles, and verbal reassurances.
Preschoolers (3-5 Years)
Common responses: Preschoolers think in concrete and magical ways, often seeing death as something that can be undone. They might even believe they caused the death with their thoughts or actions. You might notice them becoming irritable, bedwetting, clingy, having temper tantrums, disrupted sleep, changes in eating patterns, increased separation anxiety, repetitive questions, headaches, and stomachaches.
How to help:
Validate all feelings and model appropriate expressions: Show them it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
Ensure safety and love: Reassure them that they are safe and loved.
Provide opportunities for play and creative expression: Use play and art to help them process their feelings.
Offer viable choices for control: Let them make choices to help them feel more in control.
Keep a routine to ensure predictability: A consistent routine provides stability.
Read books about grief: Use age-appropriate books to help them understand and discuss death.
Firm limits, but offer flexibility as needed: Maintain boundaries while being sensitive to their emotional needs.
Offer the opportunity to include them in funeral or burial preparations: Involvement can help them understand and process the loss.
School-Age Children (5-9 Years)
Common responses: Children in this age group are starting to grasp that death is permanent. They might have lots of questions and show changes in sleep and eating habits, experience nightmares, worry about safety or being abandoned, have mood swings, ask the same questions repeatedly, complain of physical issues, and sometimes revert to younger behaviors.
How to help:
Provide opportunities for creative and expressive play: Use activities like drawing or storytelling to express feelings.
Be prepared to answer the same questions: Be patient and consistent with your answers.
Offer answers about death simply and honestly: Keep explanations clear and straightforward.
Provide routine and opportunities for choice: Maintain a stable routine while offering choices.
Allow them to talk about the person and the death: Encourage open conversations about their loved one.
Offer lots of physical and emotional nurturing: Provide extra comfort and reassurance.
Reassure safety: Continually reassure them that they are safe and protected.
Older School-Age Children (9-12 Years)
Common responses: Older school-age children understand that death is inevitable and permanent. They may show anger or guilt more than sadness, withdraw from others, act out, worry about further losses, and ask detailed questions about the death.
How to help:
Answer questions clearly and honestly, avoiding euphemisms: Use direct language to prevent confusion.
Model appropriate emotional expression: Demonstrate healthy ways to express and cope with emotions.
Work to re-establish routine and safety: Reinforce stability and security.
Listen and avoid always giving advice: Provide a listening ear rather than solutions.
Help them identify people and activities to help them cope: Connect them with supportive friends and activities.
Teens (13-18 Years)
Common responses: Teenagers understand the abstract concept of death and its finality. They may act as if nothing has happened, hide their feelings, deny needing help, show anger or guilt more than sadness, and experience physical symptoms of grief like bodily stress, falling grades, and changes in social behaviors.
How to help:
Model appropriate expressions of feelings and coping: Show them how to handle emotions constructively.
Help them identify peer support groups or safe adults: Encourage them to seek support outside the family.
Give them space to process and adjust expectations based on their wide range of responses and questions. Respect their need for independence while being supportive.
Ask open-ended questions and listen without giving advice: Foster open communication without pushing for solutions.
Reinforce their safety and security, even if they don’t express this: Constantly reassure them of their safety and stability.
Grieving parents may struggle with managing their grief while also supporting their children. What strategies and approaches can help parents navigate this dual role?
This is one of the hardest things a person can go through. Consider these suggestions to help you manage both your own grief and support your child.
Seek therapy or support groups: Connecting with others who understand your experience can provide much-needed comfort and guidance. Therapy and support groups offer a safe space to express your feelings and gain valuable coping strategies.
Find a local organization that supports you and your child: Many communities have organizations dedicated to helping families through grief. These resources can provide specialized support for you and your child, helping you navigate this challenging time together.
Model healthy coping strategies: Children often learn by observing the adults around them. By demonstrating healthy ways to cope with grief, such as talking about your feelings, practicing self-care, and seeking support, you can teach your child valuable skills for managing their emotions.
Share your feelings of grief: Even if your child isn’t ready to talk about their own grief, sharing your feelings can help normalize the experience of grief and open the door for future conversations. It shows them it’s okay to feel sad and that they are not alone in their emotions.
Find a project or activity to do together: Engaging in activities together can provide a comforting routine and a way to connect. Whether it’s baking, volunteering, walking the dog, or building with Legos, these shared moments can bring some joy and a potential sense of normalcy back into your lives.
Spend time together, but take time alone, too: While it’s important to spend time together and support each other, it’s also okay to take time alone to process your grief. Both are an important part of healing.
Acknowledge and sit in the feeling, but don’t dwell: It’s important to recognize and allow yourself to feel your grief. Sit with it, acknowledge it, but try not to let it consume you. Finding a balance between feeling your emotions and moving forward will take time and practice.
Celebrating anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays can be particularly challenging for grieving families. What are some thoughtful and meaningful ways that families can commemorate these special days while honoring their loved one who has died?
These are all tried-and-true activities and suggestions that have helped families mark special days and find comfort while honoring their lost loved ones. Feel free to pick and choose the ones that resonate with you, and don’t hesitate to mix and match aspects to create something uniquely meaningful for your family.
Manage your expectations: Remember, it’s okay for these celebrations to look different. Do what feels right and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up.
Honor past traditions or create new ones: Keep some traditions that remind you of your loved one, but feel free to start new ones that fit your current needs.
Cook their favorite recipe or visit their favorite restaurant: Prepare a meal they loved or go to a place they enjoyed. It’s a comforting way to keep their memory alive.
Make a donation in their honor: Contribute to a charity or cause they cared about. It’s a meaningful way to continue their legacy.
Create cards or gifts: Make cards or gifts for them and decide where to place them—perhaps on a special table or altar.
Share photos and memories: Ask friends and family to bring pictures and share their memories. It’s a way to celebrate their life and the impact they had.
Use a memory notebook: Invite people to write, draw, or add pictures in a notebook as a keepsake of shared memories.
Set up a special space: At family gatherings, set out a chair, their favorite coffee mug, or a picture to acknowledge their absence and presence.
Read a poem or letter: Share a poem or letter that reminds you of them or expresses your feelings about them.
Play their favorite songs: Fill the space with music they loved. It’s a comforting way to feel close to them.
Include the siblings: Ask siblings what they’d like to do to celebrate. Giving them a say in the process can help with healing.
Remembrance activities can play an important part in the grieving process, especially for children. Can you suggest meaningful remembrance activities for families to honor and remember their loved one?
Remembrance activities don’t have to be reserved for special occasions or dates; they can be meaningful anytime, especially for children. These are just a few ways your family can feel connected through grief. Remember, you can take bits and pieces of each activity and rework it to fit the needs and comfort level of your family:
Make a playlist of their favorite songs: Create a collection of music they loved. It’s a comforting way to keep their memory alive through the songs that mattered to them.
Create a blanket or stuffed animal from their clothes: Turn some of their clothing into a cozy blanket or stuffed animal. It’s a tangible way to hold onto their presence.
Paint a memory candle: Decorate a candle with colors or designs that remind you of them. Light it during special moments to feel their presence.
Write a letter or draw a picture: Express your feelings or memories in a letter or drawing. Share it with others, burn it as a symbolic gesture, or place it somewhere meaningful.
Journal favorite memories: Write down your favorite memories or things you wish you could tell them. It’s a personal way to keep their memory close.
Create a memory book: As a family, create a scrapbook or photo album filled with memories and stories about your loved one.
Wings of Remembrance bird feeder: Make or buy a bird feeder decorated in their honor. Watching birds can be a comforting reminder of your loved one.
Feelings Catcher: Craft a feelings catcher with your children where they can express their emotions and thoughts about their loved one.
Acrostic name poems: Create poems using the letters of their name, with each line representing something special about them.
Play their favorite game or activity: Spend time as a family playing their favorite board game, sport, or activity.
Make family bracelets: To keep their memory close, create bracelets with their name or family symbol.
Create a remembrance jar: Fill a jar with notes, memories, or small mementos related to your loved one.
Make a memory box: Put together a box of items that remind you of them—photos, letters, or personal objects are just a few ideas to consider.
Lantern ceremony: Hold a lantern ceremony where you light and release lanterns to honor and remember your loved one.
Memory stones: Paint or decorate stones with their name or a special message and place them in a garden or a memorable spot.
What resources are available to help support grieving families that you’d recommend?
Finding the right resources can make a significant difference in navigating grief. Here are some recommended organizations and tools that can offer valuable support to grieving families:
National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG): This organization provides resources and toolkits specifically designed for those who support grieving children, helping them understand and manage their unique needs.
Dougy Center: The Dougy Center offers support for children, teens, and young adults both before and after the death of a family member. They also provide training for professionals and organizations to better assist grieving individuals and families.
Courageous Parents Network: This network provides resources such as toolkits and videos on parenting through grief and supporting children. They also offer camps and websites with additional support materials.
The Compassionate Friends: This organization offers support for grieving parents, siblings, and grandparents. Its local chapters provide in-person support groups, creating a community of understanding and shared experiences.
Support Spot App by Child Life on Call: This app includes resources on coping with grief, therapeutic activities, stages of grief, and recommended books about grief. It’s a handy tool for accessing support wherever you are. As a Hope for HIE community member, you have direct access to this app. Simply download the app, select Hope for HIE, and enter code 048325. (If you are not able to access the app, you can request all of our support resources and materials at HIE.Support instead).
Hope for HIE’s Online Support Subgroups: These specialized groups connect families across the range of impacts and outcomes in addition to location-based support.
Hope for HIE’s Comprehensive Support Network: If you want to request services or just learn more about what Child Life services can do to support you and your family, head to HIE.Support to fill out the intake form and get started!
Watch the full recording, along with our other Child Life Q&As, on Hope for HIE’s YouTube channel under the Child Life Series playlist, or download our Key Takeaway resource for an at-a-glance look at how to help your kids cope during a dental appointment or procedure!
