Name: Michelle Sobreo
Location: Colorado, United States
Child’s Birth Year: 2020
Keywords: Loss Parent, Pregnancy After HIE, PTSD & Mental Health
“Love is a song that never ends, one simple theme repeating. Like the voice of a heavenly choir, love’s sweet music flows on.”
-From Disney’s Bambi
Michelle currently resides in Colorado, where her husband works for the military. In 2020, when she became a mother for the first time, Michelle was overjoyed at the prospect of watching her daughter grow up into a beautiful person. She was overjoyed to take on the trials and tribulations of motherhood. Yet, that future she dreamed of slipped away from her reach. Instead, her daughter, Kaelynn, was in this world for only two weeks.
Throughout Michelle’s pregnancy with Kaelynn, she planned on having a home birth. At almost two weeks past the due date, Kaelynn still hadn’t come out. When Michelle finally went into what felt like labor, she was so relieved. Everything was going fine at home, but, after a couple of hours of contractions, the labor wasn’t progressing at the rate it was supposed to. Michelle felt physically exhausted, yearning for rest. She decided to get an epidural to manage her pain, so she was transferred from home to the local hospital to finish up the labor and delivery process.
Upon Michelle’s arrival at the hospital, the doctors discovered that Michelle had a serious infection causing all these complications. Kaelynn appeared to be in distress, so the doctors planned on rushing Michelle in for an emergency C-section. However, they ended up changing their minds, deciding to wait it out a little longer before making the final call. After Kaelynn’s heartbeat leveled out and Michelle started to feel weak contractions again, the doctors decided to stick with the vaginal delivery route.
Michelle was given Pitocin to strengthen her contractions, and, for a while, everything seemed fine…until it wasn’t. Kaelynn’s heartbeat suddenly dropped off the monitor, at which time everything became chaotic. Michelle was immediately taken for an emergency C-section.
When Kaelynn was finally born, she was completely unresponsive for the first twelve minutes of her life before being resuscitated. Kaelynn’s prognosis looked bleak, and she underwent cooling therapy in an attempt to stop further progression of her injury.
Especially because this was her first child, Michelle’s NICU experience was marked by bewilderment and uncertainty. Kaelynn’s health was declining with such speed that life seemed like a blur. Michelle had no time to truly process everything that was going on. Shortly after Kaelynn’s birth, Michelle posted online to keep her friends updated, telling them that Kaelynn was here, but that she was in critical condition. She was grateful for the overwhelming number of kind messages sent her way. In addition, after finding Hope for HIE early on in the NICU experience, Michelle felt comfort knowing that there were other people, all over the world, who had walked in her shoes.
In the two weeks that Kaelynn was alive, Michelle tried to maintain as much hope from the little things as she could. For instance, Kaelynn started making incremental improvements until she was able to get off some of her daily medications. Even though she was heavily sedated from her seizure medications, Kaelynn still made small movements that showed there was a person inside of her. But perhaps the moment of hope that Michelle will forever hold onto is when she held Kaelynn for the first time, after so many difficult days of waiting. When Kaelynn was placed on her mom’s chest, her blood pressure became the best it had ever been—it was like a sign that Kaelynn knew her parents were there to love and comfort her.
Michelle urges other HIE parents to cherish every moment they have with their children. Even if those moments soon come to an end, and even if the future looks entirely grim, just enjoy and be present during the time you do have. What also helped Michelle cope, especially in the wake of Kaelynn’s loss, was having memorabilia she could look back upon. On Kaelynn’s last day of life, the hospital provided an amazing resource…a professional photographer who came for free, to capture those final precious hours. During Michelle’s grieving process, these photographs evoke comfort, and make it feel like a piece of Kaelynn is still with her. Even if they aren’t offered a free professional photoshoot, Michelle recommends that HIE families find other ways to capture those moments to remember and reflect back upon.
As the days passed, Kaelynn still couldn’t breathe on her own, and it became increasingly clear that she would not make a miraculous recovery. In the midst of the worst-case scenario transforming into reality, the compassion of the nurses helped prevent Michelle and her husband from completely falling apart. The nurses were sensitive with the delivery of their words, and Michelle felt like they cared about her as a person, instead of just viewing her as the mom of a patient. One of the nurses even painted a little sign for Kaelynn’s room with a quote from Bambi: “Love is a song that never ends.” This quote resonated with Michelle, especially after the loss of Kaelynn. For even though Kaelynn is no longer here on Earth with her, Michelle’s love for her will always exist.
In the days prior to Kaelynn’s death, Michelle mentally prepared herself for what was to come. She realized that, while a lot of children are very resilient, not all of them are. Sometimes their injuries are just far too severe for their little bodies to handle. It took Michelle’s husband longer to process the gravity of the situation, and he could not grasp the idea of letting Kaelynn go. When Kaelynn passed away after a difficult two-week battle, Michelle was the one holding it together, while her husband was an emotional wreck. But, as time went on, they switched positions, with Michelle’s grieving process taking longer than her husband’s.
There were many times after Kaelynn’s death that Michelle felt alone in her grief, wondering why she couldn’t move on as quickly or why her husband didn’t seem as upset as her. Especially in February, when Kaelynn should have been turning one, Michelle had a really bad episode, related to mental health issues she had struggled with prior to Kaelynn’s birth. But Michelle has come to realize that the grieving process looks different for everybody. Even if it takes longer for her to climb out of that deep hole, that is okay. After all, the only cure for grief is to grieve. Michelle is also proud that, despite their different styles of coping, she and her husband continued to stick together and show grace to one another, even in the darkest of days. Michelle and her husband have since welcomed a second child—also a girl—into this world in August of 2021. Because of what happened to Kaelynn, Michelle opted for a planned C-section to mitigate some of her anxiety. She also shared her story to spread awareness about HIE and to teach fellow expecting mothers about the potential complications that can arise during the labor and delivery process. Through her HIE journey, Michelle and her husband have learned how precious life is and how it can be taken away in an instant. Thus, as parents, they will cherish each moment they spend with Kaelynn’s little sister. And as she grows older, they will always remind her that she has a beautiful older sister watching over her. They will forever keep Kaelynn’s memory alive, for their love for her is an unwavering song.
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